i’ll always love you.
I’ve learned how to keep a lot of things to and into myself.
But how long until I burst from it all?
Someone I know that actually found out about this place (so much for privacy) asked me, very recently, why I don’t write here as much anymore.
Simple answer, but it wasn’t easy to get to it: I primarily used this place as a requiem, of sorts, to hash out the noise that was constantly tap-dancing on my consciousness, blinding me from my path. Work-related, love-related, anything really. But over the last several months, I somehow managed to “keep my crazy in check,” as I like to call it, and have achieved some kind of simultaneously fragile and stable balance-slash-truce between both my brain and heart. Where before I would either think/analyze (or overanalyze) situations either logically or emotionally, I’ve managed to find some kind of symmetry where the two meet in the middle and work in harmony.
I also used this place to try to internally work out the issues I had with my past, but at the moment I’ve seem to have moved past the past and now focus on my present and future, which… is actually great right now.
I”m in a good place. Finally.
In Texas, I was told – and I’m paraphrasing this – that I’ve “been single-slash-by myself for so long that I don’t know how to ‘act’ in a relationship.”
It was not an insult, and it wasn’t said with any malicious intent. In fact, there’s probably some truth in that statement.
I’ve been riding solo – well, for the most part – for pretty much three years now. And when I did try to allow someone in, my brain (or heart. Or both) wasn’t in it more often than not. So, I allowed myself to be “by myself.” I had to learn how to walk again. That took an incredibly long time, and I still haven’t gotten it all the way down yet. But, at least (I feel) I’ve gotten to a point where I can finally, fully accept something – and someone – into my life without pushing them away in the process.
Hm. I wonder who’s going to be the person dumb enough to actually take that chance on me.
“Don’t feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.”